“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. ”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father – - Next!”

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!

Her mum replies “No, because she is on heat.”

“What does that mean?” asked the child.

“Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.”

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Lulu?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is PUSHING her home!!!”

LOL

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen’lemen. P’rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri ‘kaal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh ‘Bobby’, this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh “Bunty” welcoming to you on the  P’njaaabAirways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. We apalogize  for the two-day delay in taking off, b’cause the sun was not shining  brightly in the fog. And we know that the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing  d’rectly in your  v’llage.  P’njaab Airways has exc’llaant record for safety. In fact our safety  standards are so high that even the fully trained taarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to ‘nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p’ssaingers have reached to their  dest’nation, for the rest 10%, the P’njaab Airwaysstaff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court  settlement policies.If engines are too noisy, on p’ssainger request, we can  turn them off for comfart, but your flight will  become late and you may become the late also.For our religious p’ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at  once.

In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly  distributed. We regret that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we  could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut. But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie, can be seen from the right  side cabin windows.

These windows have been opened for your viewing convenience.  For p’ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.  If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent’tainment,  our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal  makhani, unlimited P’ronthas and Lassi. There is a Half charge for Red Label  Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on  Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P’njaab Airways flights  over P’njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.  Please to read the ‘structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your  front side. It is not a hand fan. The P’ssainger behind you must read the  card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any  of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land. Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing.  Please be seated first and then fasten your  seatbelts. We are about to  take-off.

Thank you once again for flying with P’njaab Airways

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said… “These are delicious, but they are  much, smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins…”

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Sardar and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Sardar attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic.”

Sardar’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and, as he rushed into Sardar’s backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Sardar, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: “Oye, you were born a chicken, and you were born a lamb, you were raised a chicken and you were raised a lamb but now you are a potato and tomato”

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician’s continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony.”

The woman came back the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she cried.

The mortician responded, “Honestly, ma’am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice… So I switched the heads.”

After a while he is getting passionate and says, “How about you hop into the back seat.”
“No” she protests.

They continue to kiss and cuddle and he is getting even more passionate and he is even keener to get her in the back seat.

“Don’t you think it is time to hop into the back seat?” he asks her again.
“No, I have told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

Again they kiss and cuddle and his passion is even stronger and he is desperate to get her in the back seat.
He begs her to go into the back seat.
“No, I’ve told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

“But why not?” he asks.

“I want to stay here in the front seat, with you!”

Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever