Deadly Chakilas

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting… on a Saturday morning… after breakfast…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So – what is the problem? We all use our work telephones!

P’njaaab Airways: IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen’lemen. P’rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri ‘kaal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh ‘Bobby’, this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh “Bunty” welcoming to you on the  P’njaaabAirways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. We apalogize  for the two-day delay in taking off, b’cause the sun was not shining  brightly in the fog. And we know that the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing  d’rectly in your  v’llage.  P’njaab Airways has exc’llaant record for safety. In fact our safety  standards are so high that even the fully trained taarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to ‘nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p’ssaingers have reached to their  dest’nation, for the rest 10%, the P’njaab Airwaysstaff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court  settlement policies.If engines are too noisy, on p’ssainger request, we can  turn them off for comfart, but your flight will  become late and you may become the late also.For our religious p’ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at  once.

In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly  distributed. We regret that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we  could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut. But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie, can be seen from the right  side cabin windows.

These windows have been opened for your viewing convenience.  For p’ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.  If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent’tainment,  our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal  makhani, unlimited P’ronthas and Lassi. There is a Half charge for Red Label  Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on  Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P’njaab Airways flights  over P’njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.  Please to read the ‘structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your  front side. It is not a hand fan. The P’ssainger behind you must read the  card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any  of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land. Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing.  Please be seated first and then fasten your  seatbelts. We are about to  take-off.

Thank you once again for flying with P’njaab Airways

A teenage boy managed to persuade his dad to loan him his car.
He takes his gorgeous blond girlfriend out for a drive.
He parks it in a dark, leafy lane and they start kissing and cuddling in the front seat.

After a while he is getting passionate and says, “How about you hop into the back seat.”
“No” she protests.

They continue to kiss and cuddle and he is getting even more passionate and he is even keener to get her in the back seat.

“Don’t you think it is time to hop into the back seat?” he asks her again.
“No, I have told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

Again they kiss and cuddle and his passion is even stronger and he is desperate to get her in the back seat.
He begs her to go into the back seat.
“No, I’ve told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

“But why not?” he asks.

“I want to stay here in the front seat, with you!”

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local pub. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

”Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way”, said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, “Er…excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?” She responds in a loud voice : “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table. After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, “You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” The young man responds loudly with,”WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND RUPEES.  THATS TOO MUCH !”

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

So I could have a new one everyday.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he’s a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” he said, “and since I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy!” So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch.

The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little — but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away, sighing to himself “Damn. That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“Oh no!” exclaims the president, “That’s terrible!”

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”