Deadly Chakilas

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. ”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father – - Next!”

A little girl asks her mum, “Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Her mum replies “No, because she is on heat.”

“What does that mean?” asked the child.

“Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.”

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Lulu?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is PUSHING her home!!!”

LOL

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said… “These are delicious, but they are  much, smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si Senor. Sometimes the bull wins…”

A teenage boy managed to persuade his dad to loan him his car.
He takes his gorgeous blond girlfriend out for a drive.
He parks it in a dark, leafy lane and they start kissing and cuddling in the front seat.

After a while he is getting passionate and says, “How about you hop into the back seat.”
“No” she protests.

They continue to kiss and cuddle and he is getting even more passionate and he is even keener to get her in the back seat.

“Don’t you think it is time to hop into the back seat?” he asks her again.
“No, I have told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

Again they kiss and cuddle and his passion is even stronger and he is desperate to get her in the back seat.
He begs her to go into the back seat.
“No, I’ve told you I don’t want to go” she protests again.

“But why not?” he asks.

“I want to stay here in the front seat, with you!”

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local pub. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

”Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way”, said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch
tonight, Dave!

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we’re living with two sluts.”

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”

Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.” “But why–” asked the startled father. “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”

“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”